A Lesson in Karaoke

I won't pretend to be an expert on bar culture. In fact, I really know nothing about going out on Saturday nights...I'm not even 21 yet. However, I do know a thing or two about the art of karaoke. Most people don't seem to realize that karaoke is a spectator sport, a drunken endeavor meant for the audience to laugh and enjoy as much as the singer. Being in the audience at Jake's last night was not enjoyable! I didn't laugh! I barely even felt secondhand embarrassment for the performers, instead I just felt a growing sense of apathy.

Obviously karaoke isn't about talent or sobriety, so I tried not to judge the inhuman screeches and slurs being emitted from the stage. But, c'mon people, at least pick a song that's entertaining to see performed! The songbook was bursting with karaoke classics just waiting to be butchered...but the book remained unappeased, as well as my own mind and spirit as we sat through 2 hours of sloppily chosen ballads. In the hopes that this blog becomes a manual for drunks everywhere, I've created the following karaoke guidelines to better serve bar patrons around the world.


Inappropriate Karaoke Songs:

• Tracy Chapman - Give Me One Reason - This song was done twice last night. TWICE. The crowd was small enough that I cannot understand how 2 out of 20 people both decided to sing this song within an hour of each other. It's not 1995. The end.
• Chuck Berry - My Ding-a-Ling - Don't get me wrong, Chuck Berry is awesome. This song is even pretty funny. It's just not funny when a small group of douche bags sing this, obviously under the impression that bar hopping girls will touch their ding-a-lings that night. It's even less funny that some trashy bleach blond girls sitting at the bar probably will touch their ding-a-lings.
• Jewel - Foolish Games - This song isn't bad, it's just annoyingly slow. Also, Jewel has a strange vocal range and listening to someone try to publicly replicate it is painful.
  
• Country - no explanation necessary. I have no specific examples of country songs because I, luckily, didn't recognize any that were sung last night.
  

Appropriate Karaoke Songs:

• The Animals - House of the Rising Sun - This may be the only appropriate song that was actually heard last night.
• The entire Queen collection - Unfortunately, no one sang Queen last night...and our names weren't called to do Bohemian Rhapsody before we left, so we couldn't show the crowd what was up.
• Journey - Don't Stop Believin' - Obviously.
• One hit wonders of years past - Obviously.
  

Borderline Songs:

• The Rolling Stones - Sympathy for the Devil - This song is really awesome, but it's also really long. If you're going to be on stage for 6 1/2 minutes, at least be willing to PERFORM. Please don't just mumble through the words; make Mick proud!
  

I usually try not to be such an elitist, but sometimes I just can't help but judge people by their drunken musical choices. Karaoke should be fun, not only for the singers, but for the audience as well. I hate (well really I don't mind) to break it to you, but Tracy Chapman and Jewel are NOT FUN.

One good thing did come out of our experience last night: Michelle and I decided that our scale of drunkness can no longer be as simple as 1 to 10. It now ranges from 1 to Don't Stop Believin', with more specific increments coming soon. Because you can only be sure that you're wasted with a microphone in hand and Steve Perry in your heart.

Vampires and Vodka (or Rum)

In the same vein as The Uninvited drinking game, Michelle and I created the Twilight drinking game last night. For some reason, Twilight is still playing at the dollar show, even though it's been out on DVD for weeks now. Having already laughed our way through a prior showing of the movie, we figured the best way to sit through it again would be to drink large amounts of alcohol. If you've somehow been lucky enough to avoid the hype surrounding Twilight over the past year or so, I'll give a brief summary of the movie/book plot. Hot, sparkly, obsessive and condescending vampire meets clumsy, awkward, anti-feminist teenaged girl. "Love." Creepy staring. Bad Vampire in a leather jacket. Horrible special effects. Fight scene. More "love" and obsessiveness. The end.

The rules are as follows:

- Bella telling someone not to call her Isabella, "it's Bella." - 1

- Stalker behavior, including but not limited to:

• Watching while asleep - 3
• Staring from afar - 1
• Staring up close - 2
• Trying to get rid of the competition a.k.a. Jacob - 1

- Awkward faces - 1

- Melodramatic endearments, including but not limited to:

• "You are my life now." - 5
• "I love you." - 1
• Stating that one would rather be dead than be without the other - 3
  
• References to being together forever - 1
• Bella becoming a complete psycho when Edward implies that they can't be together - 2

- Bella's clumsiness/references to her clumsiness - 1

- References to 1950s women behavior, i.e.:

• Bella cooking because she's a girl - 1
• Bella cleaning because she's a girl - 1
• Bella taking care of Charlie because she's a girl - 1

- Stereotypical dad behavior - 1

- Displays of super-human strength - 1

- Sparkling in the sunlight - at least 6

- References to inhuman beauty - 1

- References to Edward being "cold" or his chest resembling granite, marble, or stone - 1

- Ridiculous fashion choices - 1

- Bad cinematography, i.e.:

• Shaky camerawork in the woods intended for dramatic effect, but really just causing nausea - 1

- Edward carrying/dragging Bella around - 2

- Stephenie Meyer making a "cameo" (cameo in quotation marks because simply calling it a cameo would imply that she is famous) - 5

Amendments made during the movie:

• Awkward father/daughter moments - 1
• Wearing flannel - 1
• Any character looking constipated, or like they're having an orgasm - 2
• Horrible special effects, especially those involving strength, speed, seeming to glide rather than walk, and emerging from a cloud of fog - 1
• Ill-fitting baseball uniforms/hats - 1
• Overly dramatic lighting, especially in this lovely scene - 2
• Weird "indie" music that doesn't fit what's happening on screen - 1
• Unrealistic portrayal of high school interactions, as in the first minute of this scene - 1
• References to Forks being a small town - 1
  

- Setting up for a sequel - drink until death

Drunkness after the first hour (scale of 1-10): 5
Drunkess at the end of the movie: 4
How much I wanted to die by the time the credits rolled: 9.5

While I hope that I never see this movie again, I am interested in how many dramatic stares (either up close or from afar) occur in 2 hours. I would guess that around 85 stares take place, so if anyone is interested in testing this hypothesis, please let me know! On that note, I really wouldn't recommend drinking for every stare; you might have to enlist an usher to scrape you off of the floor after the credits.

I leave you with this sample scene: Bella and Edward's first encounter. It includes staring from afar, staring up close, awkward faces, a character looking constipated/like he's having an orgasm, ridiculous fashion, and weird "indie" music.

Mother! Dramatic Foreshadowing!

Last night, while making plans to go see The Uninvited at the Dollar Show, Michelle and I decided that the only way to get the most out of our $1.50 (yes, the Dollar Show costs more than a dollar) was to play a drinking game during the movie. Using the trailer and our vast knowledge of scary movies, we developed the following list, as well as the number of drinks attributed to each item:

Dramatic Imagery - including, but not limited to:
- close-up of feet running - 1
- heavy breathing in the darkness - 1
- close-up of a marble on the ground - 1
- birds, particularly crows - 2
- storm clouds/claps of thunder - 1
- silence when there should be noise - 1
- dead animal - 2
- dead bird - 3
- dramatic shadows - 1
- general foreshadowing - 1

Hands popping out, something jumping out, etc - 1
Something falling in slow-motion - 2
Something falling that shouldn't be hitting the floor - 1
Something falling in slow-motion that shouldn't be hitting the floor - 3
A dead bird falling in slow-motion - 6 or so

Use of the word "mom" - 1
Use of the word "mother" - 2

Nonverbal flirting from dad towards step-mom - 1

Use of the words "spirit"/"ghost"/"undead" - 1

Pot smoking - 2

Use of the word "crazy," specifically the main girl saying, "I'm not crazy!" - 1


Looking at old newspaper clippings/looking up on the internet/significant use of technology to solve the mystery - 0-2
Looking at old family photos - 1/photo
Discovering step-mom in an old family photo - 5
Developing photo in a dark room - 3
Developing an old family photo in a dark room and discovering the step-mom in the background of the photo - 9

Amendments to the list made during the movie:
Teen angst - 1
Use of the name "Mildred" - 2
Passive aggressiveness from step-mom - 1
Someone being seen only in a reflection - 1
Aloof father - 1
Something involving the love interest - 1
Twist ending - chug
Michelle guessing the end of the movie - still chugging

We recommend rum and coke, but wouldn't frown upon the alcohol of your choice!