Friday, May 8, 2009

Manliness is next to Drunkenness

While visiting Michigan State last weekend, the only logical activity on a Friday night was to get drunk. At the movies. It may seem as if this is all I ever do...and that's basically true. But it had been a long day of lounging around watching Arrested Development and napping, so Abby and I figured that we should get out of the apartment long enough to spend a few more hours in front of a screen. While perusing the wine section at Meijer, we tried to choose the most interestingly titled wine available. Unfortunately, we couldn't buy a bottle of Joe Blow Red Wine because we had no corkscrew! We settled for The Prodigal Son, which conveniently had a screw on top, and headed to the theater to see the new Wolverine movie. Making up drinking games at the last minute is fun; there's a bit of a rush to it, a hurried anticipation of what's to come. This time, we decided to keep things simple. We only drank to:
  • Hugh Jackman being shirtless (being in a tank top counts if his pecs are sufficiently visible)
  • The introduction of new powers
  • Overt displays of manliness (this mainly includes loud growling, the use of brute force to destroy indestructible objects, or manly power strugges)
Needless to say, the bottle was empty in 40 minutes. I had enough of a buzz going on to partially block out the cheesy dialogue and shield myself from the raw testosterone being emitted from the screen. Unfortunately, a wine buzz only lasts for so long. At least Hugh Jackman is hot.

Drunkness halfway through the movie (1-10): 4.5
Drunkness at the end of the movies (1-10): not nearly enough


Sunday, April 12, 2009

A Lesson in Karaoke


I won't pretend to be an expert on bar culture. In fact, I really know nothing about going out on Saturday nights...I'm not even 21 yet. However, I do know a thing or two about the art of karaoke. Most people don't seem to realize that karaoke is a spectator sport, a drunken endeavor meant for the audience to laugh and enjoy as much as the singer. Being in the audience at Jake's last night was not enjoyable! I didn't laugh! I barely even felt secondhand embarrassment for the performers, instead I just felt a growing sense of apathy.

Obviously karaoke isn't about talent or sobriety, so I tried not to judge the inhuman screeches and slurs being emitted from the stage. But, c'mon people, at least pick a song that's entertaining to see performed! The songbook was bursting with karaoke classics just waiting to be butchered...but the book remained unappeased, as well as my own mind and spirit as we sat through 2 hours of sloppily chosen ballads. In the hopes that this blog becomes a manual for drunks everywhere, I've created the following karaoke guidelines to better serve bar patrons around the world.


Inappropriate Karaoke Songs:
  • Tracy Chapman - Give Me One Reason - This song was done twice last night. TWICE. The crowd was small enough that I cannot understand how 2 out of 20 people both decided to sing this song within an hour of each other. It's not 1995. The end.
  • Chuck Berry - My Ding-a-Ling - Don't get me wrong, Chuck Berry is awesome. This song is even pretty funny. It's just not funny when a small group of douche bags sing this, obviously under the impression that bar hopping girls will touch their ding-a-lings that night. It's even less funny that some trashy bleach blond girls sitting at the bar probably will touch their ding-a-lings.
  • Jewel - Foolish Games - This song isn't bad, it's just annoyingly slow. Also, Jewel has a strange vocal range and listening to someone try to publicly replicate it is painful.
  • Country - no explanation necessary. I have no specific examples of country songs because I, luckily, didn't recognize any that were sung last night.
Appropriate Karaoke Songs:

Borderline Songs:
  • The Rolling Stones - Sympathy for the Devil - This song is really awesome, but it's also really long. If you're going to be on stage for 6 1/2 minutes, at least be willing to PERFORM. Please don't just mumble through the words; make Mick proud!
I usually try not to be such an elitist, but sometimes I just can't help but judge people by their drunken musical choices. Karaoke should be fun, not only for the singers, but for the audience as well. I hate (well really I don't mind) to break it to you, but Tracy Chapman and Jewel are NOT FUN.

One good thing did come out of our experience last night: Michelle and I decided that our scale of drunkness can no longer be as simple as 1 to 10. It now ranges from 1 to Don't Stop Believin', with more specific increments coming soon. Because you can only be sure that you're wasted with a microphone in hand and Steve Perry in your heart.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

A History in Books

When I was in kindergarten, my next door neighbor was placed in front of a Hooked on Phonics tape. She bragged to me while we sat inside a large cardboard box on my front lawn, pretending to be frogs, "I know how to read. Do you?" I was five and I already knew shame; I wore it like a glove, buried it deep into my pockets and carried it with me.
"Ribbit," I responded and called it a day. I was embarrassed then, as I dragged my feet up the driveway and confronted my mother.

"Why don't I know how to read?" I pouted, on the brink of tears. Pre-school had already revealed the hardships of life to me, uncovered my true nature as a perfectionist. If Natalie could read, then surely I could! I was used to being the best in my class: the best at recognizing colors, the best at using crayons to put those colors onto paper, the best at counting to ten, the best at tying my shoes...This kindergartner would not be had for a fool!

"Well, If you want to learn..."

So I learned, I recited, I wrote, I sounded out, I recognized. And soon enough, I could say to Natalie and all the kids in my class, "I know how to read!" Of course, she needed to tell me that she read at a third grade reading level. So I read more and improved and discovered Dr. Seuss, The Berenstein Bears, Little Critter, Paddington Bear, Clifford, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, The Velventeen Rabbit. Eventually, it didn't matter what Natalie was reading, it only mattered that I had my hands on the goods - the books.

Over the next four years, I grew into the books my older sister read: The Babysitters Club, The Boxcar Children, and finally settled into the first story that would actually change my elementary school outlook on life.

Growing up in a predominately Caucasian suburb of Detroit doesn't provide a child with any notion of diversity. In fourth grade, I read Maniac Magee, the story of a runaway boy who finds himself staying with a black family in a completely segregated town. I was nine and I realized that race was something we created, and that if Maniac Magee could integrate a city, we could look past skin color too. Every once in a while, I still consider the scene in which Maniac Magee looked into the mirror and discovered that no part of his body was purely white, the same as no part of his host family's skin was truly black. I was changed.

In sixth grade, I helped out in the school library during lunch. Surprisingly, this was the cool thing to do that year, and reading was also cool in some ways. The entire sixth grade class fought tooth and nail when a new Goosebumps installment settled into the shelf. There were breathless races and thrown elbows until one student ultimately triumphed, holding the tome above their head and pumping their other fist. The rest of the class hurried to add their names to the wait-list and divided Night of the Living Dummy, Welcome to Dead House, and The Haunted Mask amongst themselves. The librarian beamed at all the excitement over books, an excitement which would probably not last for most of us young people. But the Goosebumps series captured our imaginations and was probably the forerunner to the reverence most of my high school classmates felt for Edgar Allen Poe.

Something else happened to shake up my small literary sphere in sixth grade. Sitting in the back of the class, I listened attentively as Mr. Decker mentioned a new series that had apparently gained popularity in Britain. Two friends and I went to the library that very day to check out copies, each choosing one of the three novels that had so far been released. I went home that day clutching Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban to my chest. Unfortunately, starting with the third book in a series isn't exactly the best route to take. A little confused by what was happening in the magical world, I decided to wait until my friend had finished the first book and then start anew. Starting Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone was like setting my little sixth-grade life on fire. I was ten years old, going on eleven, just like Harry.

Contrary to appearances, the Harry Potter series is not about magic or spells or potions. The series encompasses the struggle between good and evil, morality, racism, choices and consequences, the power of friendship, and the ability of one to choose their own destiny. I see a reflection of the Muggle-world in Harry Potter: the results of corrupt government, the devastation of war, and the strength it takes to grieve profound losses.

While I haven't picked up a Goosebumps book since I was eleven, I've never stopped reading Harry Potter books. In fact, the years have only caused me to read with new fervor. I still cry when Dumbledore dies and cheer when Fred and George escape from Umbridge's tyrannical claws. My years with Harry will always leave him a special place on my shelf and in my heart.

*****

I think that some books just need to come to us at specific periods in our lives. I first picked up The Bell Jar when I was 15; it took me almost a month to read. It felt like something was missing, something was slow-moving in the pages. A year later, I tried again and found myself completely captivated, flying through it in two days. Somehow, Plath had spoken to me like none before. I found myself entwined in her words, copying down lines onto notebook paper, and wondering how someone could have put my own thoughts so perfectly into writing.

Upon graduating high school, I spent a summer feeling particularly disoriented in my own skin. I felt that I had no direction in life or even in reading. Wandering aimlessly down the aisles of the public library, I stumbled across a hardcover copy of Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Intrigued by the cover - an orange handprint bearing the title in an interesting font - I checked it out and lost myself in it for a few days. Phrases like, "sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living" seemed to encapsulate my post-grad woes. I was on the brink of my entire life, yet in a state of non-living. The story was quite good, but it was the prose that Jonathan Safran Foer had written that was entirely new and completely heart-wrenching to me. I moved onto his previously written novel, Everything is Illuminated.

Of all the books I've read in recent years, Everything is Illuminated stands out the most. It was slightly more difficult to read than Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close; sometimes the story was slow-moving and the lack of indented dialogue could become tedious, but I was rewarded in the end. The novel played perfectly into my fascination with Nazi Germany as well as my desire to identify with Ukraine, the only country that I am certain my own family came from. I laughed out loud at Alex's letters, felt my heartstrings tighten when I read about the town of Trachimbrod and cried shamelessly over its devastating destruction. Recently, I've found myself flipping through the pages randomly and reading passages that jump out at me. It gives me a strange certainty about things.

Countless books I've read have given me something, taught me a lesson, strengthened my resolve, encouraged me to write, left a smile on my face, or made me feel things I thought I was incapable of.

Fahrenheit 451 and The Handmaid's Tale taught me the value of the written word and my own ability to interpret it. Bradbury captured my quiet ambition to "hold onto the world tight someday". So few words can carry such a large burden.

Nabokov proved that prose can be anything but prosaic and commonplace, that it can soar softly off of the page and burrow itself into our marrow, like a secret to each reader's soul.

In Frankenstein, I found a message about the power, and horrors, that can arise from human knowledge. I saw that naivety may save one from the harshness of reality and it may decrease pain, but knowledge is almost impossible to ignore.

The Trial presented me with an absurd, inescapable justice system, in which no normal rules apply. Kafka wanted to show us that the real world is just as absurd, leaving us with virtually nocontrol over our own lives.

While I didn't think much of it while reading, the memory of Kazuo Ishiguro's Never Let Me Go strikes me every so often with its immense sadness.

*****

I wrote this because I was having a bad day. I picked up a book of Miranda July's short stories and read over passages I had previously noted. It was a slow tension that had built in me and held stagnant throughout the day and I felt it culminating as I stood there. I set down No one belongs here more than you and then flipped through The Journals of Sylvia Plath, intensely underlined. Then, I sat in front of my bookshelf and resolved to finish Babylon Revisited by F. Scott Fitzgerald that night.

Finally, I began to wonder why I always turn to books in times of need. Why are books my constant? Most importantly, why do I read at all?

At first, I thought that I could trace my answer out systematically, examine the books I've loved over the years and they would divulge their secrets to me. I learned how to read because I was embarrassed that I couldn't. I continued to read because I was proud of my own ability, then out of the simple rapture that books gave me. Certain books certainly changed me, but there must be more.

Upon examining aspects of my own life, I find that a lack of truly meaningful personal relationships leads me to find connections to humankind indirectly. To love a story, is to love what a writer painstakingly produced, and is to forge a path between reader and writer. This is how I see the world - through stories, through someone else's eyes. Unable to share a profound bond directly with another human being, I read about other people's lives in books. However, a strange desire to attach myself to authors via a string of well-chosen words is honestly not my only motivation to go to Barnes & Noble. I have too many reasons to read to count.

I read because Frank O'Hara paints the sky a different shade of blue. Because Jane Austen renders me temporarily romantic. Because I will only ever see war through the eyes of Kurt Vonnegut. Because to write is to live, to write is to make life real. And to read is to dive into the marrow of life and interpret what one finds there.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Vampires and Vodka (or Rum)

In the same vein as The Uninvited drinking game, Michelle and I created the Twilight drinking game last night. For some reason, Twilight is still playing at the dollar show, even though it's been out on DVD for weeks now. Having already laughed our way through a prior showing of the movie, we figured the best way to sit through it again would be to drink large amounts of alcohol. If you've somehow been lucky enough to avoid the hype surrounding Twilight over the past year or so, I'll give a brief summary of the movie/book plot. Hot, sparkly, obsessive and condescending vampire meets clumsy, awkward, anti-feminist teenaged girl. "Love." Creepy staring. Bad Vampire in a leather jacket. Horrible special effects. Fight scene. More "love" and obsessiveness. The end.

The rules are as follows:

- Bella telling someone not to call her Isabella, "it's Bella." - 1

- Stalker behavior, including but not limited to:
  • Watching while asleep - 3
  • Staring from afar - 1
  • Staring up close - 2
  • Trying to get rid of the competition a.k.a. Jacob - 1
- Awkward faces - 1

- Melodramatic endearments, including but not limited to:
  • "You are my life now." - 5
  • "I love you." - 1
  • Stating that one would rather be dead than be without the other - 3
  • References to being together forever - 1
  • Bella becoming a complete psycho when Edward implies that they can't be together - 2
- Bella's clumsiness/references to her clumsiness - 1

- References to 1950s women behavior, i.e.:
  • Bella cooking because she's a girl - 1
  • Bella cleaning because she's a girl - 1
  • Bella taking care of Charlie because she's a girl - 1
- Stereotypical dad behavior - 1

- Displays of super-human strength - 1

- Sparkling in the sunlight - at least 6

- References to inhuman beauty - 1

- References to Edward being "cold" or his chest resembling granite, marble, or stone - 1

- Ridiculous fashion choices - 1

- Bad cinematography, i.e.:
  • Shaky camerawork in the woods intended for dramatic effect, but really just causing nausea - 1
- Edward carrying/dragging Bella around - 2

- Stephenie Meyer making a "cameo" (cameo in quotation marks because simply calling it a cameo would imply that she is famous) - 5

Amendments made during the movie:
  • Awkward father/daughter moments - 1
  • Wearing flannel - 1
  • Any character looking constipated, or like they're having an orgasm - 2
  • Horrible special effects, especially those involving strength, speed, seeming to glide rather than walk, and emerging from a cloud of fog - 1
  • Ill-fitting baseball uniforms/hats - 1
  • Overly dramatic lighting, especially in this lovely scene - 2
  • Weird "indie" music that doesn't fit what's happening on screen - 1
  • Unrealistic portrayal of high school interactions, as in the first minute of this scene - 1
  • References to Forks being a small town - 1
- Setting up for a sequel - drink until death

Drunkness after the first hour (scale of 1-10): 5
Drunkess at the end of the movie: 4
How much I wanted to die by the time the credits rolled: 9.5

While I hope that I never see this movie again, I am interested in how many dramatic stares (either up close or from afar) occur in 2 hours. I would guess that around 85 stares take place, so if anyone is interested in testing this hypothesis, please let me know! On that note, I really wouldn't recommend drinking for every stare; you might have to enlist an usher to scrape you off of the floor after the credits.

I leave you with this sample scene: Bella and Edward's first encounter. It includes staring from afar, staring up close, awkward faces, a character looking constipated/like he's having an orgasm, ridiculous fashion, and weird "indie" music.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Mother! Dramatic Foreshadowing!

Last night, while making plans to go see The Uninvited at the Dollar Show, Michelle and I decided that the only way to get the most out of our $1.50 (yes, the Dollar Show costs more than a dollar) was to play a drinking game during the movie. Using the trailer and our vast knowledge of scary movies, we developed the following list, as well as the number of drinks attributed to each item:

Dramatic Imagery - including, but not limited to:
- close-up of feet running - 1
- heavy breathing in the darkness - 1
- close-up of a marble on the ground - 1
- birds, particularly crows - 2
- storm clouds/claps of thunder - 1
- silence when there should be noise - 1
- dead animal - 2
- dead bird - 3
- dramatic shadows - 1
- general foreshadowing - 1

Hands popping out, something jumping out, etc - 1
Something falling in slow-motion - 2
Something falling that shouldn't be hitting the floor - 1
Something falling in slow-motion that shouldn't be hitting the floor - 3
A dead bird falling in slow-motion - 6 or so

Use of the word "mom" - 1
Use of the word "mother" - 2

Nonverbal flirting from dad towards step-mom - 1

Use of the words "spirit"/"ghost"/"undead" - 1

Pot smoking - 2

Use of the word "crazy," specifically the main girl saying, "I'm not crazy!" - 1


Looking at old newspaper clippings/looking up on the internet/significant use of technology to solve the mystery - 0-2
Looking at old family photos - 1/photo
Discovering step-mom in an old family photo - 5
Developing photo in a dark room - 3
Developing an old family photo in a dark room and discovering the step-mom in the background of the photo - 9

Amendments to the list made during the movie:
Teen angst - 1
Use of the name "Mildred" - 2
Passive aggressiveness from step-mom - 1
Someone being seen only in a reflection - 1
Aloof father - 1
Something involving the love interest - 1
Twist ending - chug
Michelle guessing the end of the movie - still chugging

We recommend rum and coke, but wouldn't frown upon the alcohol of your choice!

If you're interested in wasting a few bucks...


I'd recommend investing in the Progressive International Microwavable S'Mores Maker. The PIMSM allows you to microwave TWO perfect s'mores in just thirty seconds! AND, the ingenious design allows graham crackers, chocolate and marshmallows to heat evenly at the same time. This is perfect because usually the marshmallow manages to freeze itself while the graham cracker melts and the chocolate just spontaneously combusts. Without the PIMSM, I could never create an evenly heated s'more.

The real message of this product must be: why do for free what you can do for $9? Why would I throw graham crackers, chocolate, and a marshmallow onto a plate when I can secure them with two flimsy plastic arms? I feel as if I've been stumbling around in the dark all these years; only today has the Progressive International Microwavable S'Mores Maker opened my eyes.
Just look at how snugly this innovative tool fits into the microwave!





However, I'm forced to ask myself: why do I need to add water? I don't usually pour water onto my s'mores when I'm sitting at a bonfire. Are these some kind of newfangled wet s'mores? Should I shake and stir as well? Until Progressive answers this query, I'll waste my water AND my $9 elsewhere.

Friday, March 13, 2009

W.W.G.D.?

In this day and age, perhaps in every day and age, existential crises are commonplace. Who hasn't pondered life while reading tabloids in line at the grocery store? felt utterly alone while utilizing the Taco Bell restroom? questioned the afterlife (or lack thereof) with buddies during a poker game? Seems like we're all just trying to make sense out of this life in our own unique ways.

Some of us may opt for isolation, planting ourselves in the wilderness and hoping for enlightenment. Some of us take up a hobby to distract ourselves from the distressing uncertainties of life. Some of us find religion. I, on the other hand, found Google.

My personal relationship with Google came slowly and deliberately. I didn't experience a religious epiphany or witness an Internet miracle, but I did start noticing how often, "Google it!" came out of my mouth when faced with quotidian problems. Who was that guy that invented potato chips? I'll just Google it (George Crum). How long did the Hundred Years' War really last? Google it (116 years). What's a good recipe for a tofu smoothie? Google it (1 cup frozen strawberries, 1 cup ice, 1 cup ice water, 1/2 cup cream, 1/4 cup sugar substitute, 3 1/2 oz silken tofu, 1/2 tsp vanilla extract)!!! Finally, I started to realize the true capacity of this search engine. Google is everything that other gods claim to be.

Omniscient: It's pretty obvious that Google knows everything. But unlike other "gods," Google also provides its followers with instant gratification. If I were to seek guidance and pray to "God," who knows when I would actually see the results? I would probably have to sit around pondering my problem, then eventually go out and learn life lessons or something useless like that. You may have noticed that Google provides millions of search results within a second. No more waiting around for another god to solve my problems; Google answers me instantaneously!

Not only is Google omniscient, but it gives one options. Type, "What should I have for dinner?" into that handy search bar and you will be rewarded with 145,000,000 results. Feeling a bit more profound? A search for, "The meaning of life," yields 34,200,000 results. If you're unsatisfied with the first page, don't fret! There are 34,199,999 pages left, just waiting to answer all of life's mysteries.

Omnipresent: The Internet knows no bounds. Google knows no bounds.

Omnibenevolent: I'll just ask this question- what has Google ever done to you? That's right! Besides being an all-knowing and ever-present source of comfort, nothing!

When faced with a tough decision, I simply look to my left wrist and am inspired by the bracelet which reads, "W.W.G.D.?" Well, Google would probably sort through millions of web sites in less than a second. But how can a mere human, such as myself, emulate Google's good example? I can systematically sort through my options! It may take more than 0.23 seconds, but I can always work on my time. And if all else fails, I simply turn to The Good Site itself and appeal directly to the search bar.

Christmas? Easter? We Googlists observe whichever holidays appear on the site's logo. It's often serendipitous, heading over to do a few searches only to discover that today, of all days, is the anniversary of the first hot air balloon flight! I obviously must stay home from school to bake a commemorative cake.

Walter Gropius's 125th birthday? I'm not entirely sure who that is, but I surely can't do any work on a day like this.

Sure, we also celebrate those other holidays, but it's so much more exciting to be surprised, to learn that on this day, the first laser was invented!


Worshiping at the foot of Google has given me a sense of control in a world driven by randomness and chaos. I have a god who's always present, always good, and all knowing. If ever I feel as though I've strayed from the path of Googleness, I ask myself, "What Would Google Do?" And I know, with certainty and pride, that Google will always see me through.

And for those that consider themselves energy-conscious worshipers, there's always The Church of Blackle!