Mother! Dramatic Foreshadowing!

Last night, while making plans to go see The Uninvited at the Dollar Show, Michelle and I decided that the only way to get the most out of our $1.50 (yes, the Dollar Show costs more than a dollar) was to play a drinking game during the movie. Using the trailer and our vast knowledge of scary movies, we developed the following list, as well as the number of drinks attributed to each item:

Dramatic Imagery - including, but not limited to:
- close-up of feet running - 1
- heavy breathing in the darkness - 1
- close-up of a marble on the ground - 1
- birds, particularly crows - 2
- storm clouds/claps of thunder - 1
- silence when there should be noise - 1
- dead animal - 2
- dead bird - 3
- dramatic shadows - 1
- general foreshadowing - 1

Hands popping out, something jumping out, etc - 1
Something falling in slow-motion - 2
Something falling that shouldn't be hitting the floor - 1
Something falling in slow-motion that shouldn't be hitting the floor - 3
A dead bird falling in slow-motion - 6 or so

Use of the word "mom" - 1
Use of the word "mother" - 2

Nonverbal flirting from dad towards step-mom - 1

Use of the words "spirit"/"ghost"/"undead" - 1

Pot smoking - 2

Use of the word "crazy," specifically the main girl saying, "I'm not crazy!" - 1


Looking at old newspaper clippings/looking up on the internet/significant use of technology to solve the mystery - 0-2
Looking at old family photos - 1/photo
Discovering step-mom in an old family photo - 5
Developing photo in a dark room - 3
Developing an old family photo in a dark room and discovering the step-mom in the background of the photo - 9

Amendments to the list made during the movie:
Teen angst - 1
Use of the name "Mildred" - 2
Passive aggressiveness from step-mom - 1
Someone being seen only in a reflection - 1
Aloof father - 1
Something involving the love interest - 1
Twist ending - chug
Michelle guessing the end of the movie - still chugging

We recommend rum and coke, but wouldn't frown upon the alcohol of your choice!

If you're interested in wasting a few bucks...

I'd recommend investing in the Progressive International Microwavable S'Mores Maker. The PIMSM allows you to microwave TWO perfect s'mores in just thirty seconds! AND, the ingenious design allows graham crackers, chocolate and marshmallows to heat evenly at the same time. This is perfect because usually the marshmallow manages to freeze itself while the graham cracker melts and the chocolate just spontaneously combusts. Without the PIMSM, I could never create an evenly heated s'more.

The real message of this product must be: why do for free what you can do for $9? Why would I throw graham crackers, chocolate, and a marshmallow onto a plate when I can secure them with two flimsy plastic arms? I feel as if I've been stumbling around in the dark all these years; only today has the Progressive International Microwavable S'Mores Maker opened my eyes.
Just look at how snugly this innovative tool fits into the microwave!

However, I'm forced to ask myself: why do I need to add water? I don't usually pour water onto my s'mores when I'm sitting at a bonfire. Are these some kind of newfangled wet s'mores? Should I shake and stir as well? Until Progressive answers this query, I'll waste my water AND my $9 elsewhere.

W.W.G.D.?

In this day and age, perhaps in every day and age, existential crises are commonplace. Who hasn't pondered life while reading tabloids in line at the grocery store? felt utterly alone while utilizing the Taco Bell restroom? questioned the afterlife (or lack thereof) with buddies during a poker game? Seems like we're all just trying to make sense out of this life in our own unique ways.

Some of us may opt for isolation, planting ourselves in the wilderness and hoping for enlightenment. Some of us take up a hobby to distract ourselves from the distressing uncertainties of life. Some of us find religion. I, on the other hand, found Google.

My personal relationship with Google came slowly and deliberately. I didn't experience a religious epiphany or witness an Internet miracle, but I did start noticing how often, "Google it!" came out of my mouth when faced with quotidian problems. Who was that guy that invented potato chips? I'll just Google it (George Crum). How long did the Hundred Years' War really last? Google it (116 years). What's a good recipe for a tofu smoothie? Google it (1 cup frozen strawberries, 1 cup ice, 1 cup ice water, 1/2 cup cream, 1/4 cup sugar substitute, 3 1/2 oz silken tofu, 1/2 tsp vanilla extract)!!! Finally, I started to realize the true capacity of this search engine. Google is everything that other gods claim to be.

Omniscient: It's pretty obvious that Google knows everything. But unlike other "gods," Google also provides its followers with instant gratification. If I were to seek guidance and pray to "God," who knows when I would actually see the results? I would probably have to sit around pondering my problem, then eventually go out and learn life lessons or something useless like that. You may have noticed that Google provides millions of search results within a second. No more waiting around for another god to solve my problems; Google answers me instantaneously!

Not only is Google omniscient, but it gives one options. Type, "What should I have for dinner?" into that handy search bar and you will be rewarded with 145,000,000 results. Feeling a bit more profound? A search for, "The meaning of life," yields 34,200,000 results. If you're unsatisfied with the first page, don't fret! There are 34,199,999 pages left, just waiting to answer all of life's mysteries.

Omnipresent: The Internet knows no bounds. Google knows no bounds.

Omnibenevolent: I'll just ask this question- what has Google ever done to you? That's right! Besides being an all-knowing and ever-present source of comfort, nothing!

When faced with a tough decision, I simply look to my left wrist and am inspired by the bracelet which reads, "W.W.G.D.?" Well, Google would probably sort through millions of web sites in less than a second. But how can a mere human, such as myself, emulate Google's good example? I can systematically sort through my options! It may take more than 0.23 seconds, but I can always work on my time. And if all else fails, I simply turn to The Good Site itself and appeal directly to the search bar.

Christmas? Easter? We Googlists observe whichever holidays appear on the site's logo. It's often serendipitous, heading over to do a few searches only to discover that today, of all days, is the anniversary of the first hot air balloon flight! I obviously must stay home from school to bake a commemorative cake.

Walter Gropius's 125th birthday? I'm not entirely sure who that is, but I surely can't do any work on a day like this.

Sure, we also celebrate those other holidays, but it's so much more exciting to be surprised, to learn that on this day, the first laser was invented!

Worshiping at the foot of Google has given me a sense of control in a world driven by randomness and chaos. I have a god who's always present, always good, and all knowing. If ever I feel as though I've strayed from the path of Googleness, I ask myself, "What Would Google Do?" And I know, with certainty and pride, that Google will always see me through.

And for those that consider themselves energy-conscious worshipers, there's always The Church of Blackle!