In this day and age, perhaps in every day and age, existential crises are commonplace. Who hasn't pondered life while reading tabloids in line at the grocery store? felt utterly alone while utilizing the Taco Bell restroom? questioned the afterlife (or lack thereof) with buddies during a poker game? Seems like we're all just trying to make sense out of this life in our own unique ways.
Some of us may opt for isolation, planting ourselves in the wilderness and hoping for enlightenment. Some of us take up a hobby to distract ourselves from the distressing uncertainties of life. Some of us find religion. I, on the other hand, found Google.
My personal relationship with Google came slowly and deliberately. I didn't experience a religious epiphany or witness an Internet miracle, but I did start noticing how often, "Google it!" came out of my mouth when faced with quotidian problems. Who was that guy that invented potato chips? I'll just Google it (George Crum). How long did the Hundred Years' War really last? Google it (116 years). What's a good recipe for a tofu smoothie? Google it (1 cup frozen strawberries, 1 cup ice, 1 cup ice water, 1/2 cup cream, 1/4 cup sugar substitute, 3 1/2 oz silken tofu, 1/2 tsp vanilla extract)!!! Finally, I started to realize the true capacity of this search engine. Google is everything that other gods claim to be.
Omniscient: It's pretty obvious that Google knows everything. But unlike other "gods," Google also provides its followers with instant gratification. If I were to seek guidance and pray to "God," who knows when I would actually see the results? I would probably have to sit around pondering my problem, then eventually go out and learn life lessons or something useless like that. You may have noticed that Google provides millions of search results within a second. No more waiting around for another god to solve my problems; Google answers me instantaneously!
Not only is Google omniscient, but it gives one options. Type, "What should I have for dinner?" into that handy search bar and you will be rewarded with 145,000,000 results. Feeling a bit more profound? A search for, "The meaning of life," yields 34,200,000 results. If you're unsatisfied with the first page, don't fret! There are 34,199,999 pages left, just waiting to answer all of life's mysteries.
Omnipresent: The Internet knows no bounds. Google knows no bounds.
Omnibenevolent: I'll just ask this question- what has Google ever done to you? That's right! Besides being an all-knowing and ever-present source of comfort, nothing!
When faced with a tough decision, I simply look to my left wrist and am inspired by the bracelet which reads, "W.W.G.D.?" Well, Google would probably sort through millions of web sites in less than a second. But how can a mere human, such as myself, emulate Google's good example? I can systematically sort through my options! It may take more than 0.23 seconds, but I can always work on my time. And if all else fails, I simply turn to The Good Site itself and appeal directly to the search bar.
Christmas? Easter? We Googlists observe whichever holidays appear on the site's logo. It's often serendipitous, heading over to do a few searches only to discover that today, of all days, is the anniversary of the first hot air balloon flight! I obviously must stay home from school to bake a commemorative cake.
Some of us may opt for isolation, planting ourselves in the wilderness and hoping for enlightenment. Some of us take up a hobby to distract ourselves from the distressing uncertainties of life. Some of us find religion. I, on the other hand, found Google.
My personal relationship with Google came slowly and deliberately. I didn't experience a religious epiphany or witness an Internet miracle, but I did start noticing how often, "Google it!" came out of my mouth when faced with quotidian problems. Who was that guy that invented potato chips? I'll just Google it (George Crum). How long did the Hundred Years' War really last? Google it (116 years). What's a good recipe for a tofu smoothie? Google it (1 cup frozen strawberries, 1 cup ice, 1 cup ice water, 1/2 cup cream, 1/4 cup sugar substitute, 3 1/2 oz silken tofu, 1/2 tsp vanilla extract)!!! Finally, I started to realize the true capacity of this search engine. Google is everything that other gods claim to be.
Omniscient: It's pretty obvious that Google knows everything. But unlike other "gods," Google also provides its followers with instant gratification. If I were to seek guidance and pray to "God," who knows when I would actually see the results? I would probably have to sit around pondering my problem, then eventually go out and learn life lessons or something useless like that. You may have noticed that Google provides millions of search results within a second. No more waiting around for another god to solve my problems; Google answers me instantaneously!
Not only is Google omniscient, but it gives one options. Type, "What should I have for dinner?" into that handy search bar and you will be rewarded with 145,000,000 results. Feeling a bit more profound? A search for, "The meaning of life," yields 34,200,000 results. If you're unsatisfied with the first page, don't fret! There are 34,199,999 pages left, just waiting to answer all of life's mysteries.
Omnipresent: The Internet knows no bounds. Google knows no bounds.
Omnibenevolent: I'll just ask this question- what has Google ever done to you? That's right! Besides being an all-knowing and ever-present source of comfort, nothing!
When faced with a tough decision, I simply look to my left wrist and am inspired by the bracelet which reads, "W.W.G.D.?" Well, Google would probably sort through millions of web sites in less than a second. But how can a mere human, such as myself, emulate Google's good example? I can systematically sort through my options! It may take more than 0.23 seconds, but I can always work on my time. And if all else fails, I simply turn to The Good Site itself and appeal directly to the search bar.
Christmas? Easter? We Googlists observe whichever holidays appear on the site's logo. It's often serendipitous, heading over to do a few searches only to discover that today, of all days, is the anniversary of the first hot air balloon flight! I obviously must stay home from school to bake a commemorative cake.
Walter Gropius's 125th birthday? I'm not entirely sure who that is, but I surely can't do any work on a day like this.
Sure, we also celebrate those other holidays, but it's so much more exciting to be surprised, to learn that on this day, the first laser was invented!
Worshiping at the foot of Google has given me a sense of control in a world driven by randomness and chaos. I have a god who's always present, always good, and all knowing. If ever I feel as though I've strayed from the path of Googleness, I ask myself, "What Would Google Do?" And I know, with certainty and pride, that Google will always see me through.
And for those that consider themselves energy-conscious worshipers, there's always The Church of Blackle!
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