A Lesson in Karaoke

I won't pretend to be an expert on bar culture. In fact, I really know nothing about going out on Saturday nights...I'm not even 21 yet. However, I do know a thing or two about the art of karaoke. Most people don't seem to realize that karaoke is a spectator sport, a drunken endeavor meant for the audience to laugh and enjoy as much as the singer. Being in the audience at Jake's last night was not enjoyable! I didn't laugh! I barely even felt secondhand embarrassment for the performers, instead I just felt a growing sense of apathy.

Obviously karaoke isn't about talent or sobriety, so I tried not to judge the inhuman screeches and slurs being emitted from the stage. But, c'mon people, at least pick a song that's entertaining to see performed! The songbook was bursting with karaoke classics just waiting to be butchered...but the book remained unappeased, as well as my own mind and spirit as we sat through 2 hours of sloppily chosen ballads. In the hopes that this blog becomes a manual for drunks everywhere, I've created the following karaoke guidelines to better serve bar patrons around the world.


Inappropriate Karaoke Songs:

• Tracy Chapman - Give Me One Reason - This song was done twice last night. TWICE. The crowd was small enough that I cannot understand how 2 out of 20 people both decided to sing this song within an hour of each other. It's not 1995. The end.
• Chuck Berry - My Ding-a-Ling - Don't get me wrong, Chuck Berry is awesome. This song is even pretty funny. It's just not funny when a small group of douche bags sing this, obviously under the impression that bar hopping girls will touch their ding-a-lings that night. It's even less funny that some trashy bleach blond girls sitting at the bar probably will touch their ding-a-lings.
• Jewel - Foolish Games - This song isn't bad, it's just annoyingly slow. Also, Jewel has a strange vocal range and listening to someone try to publicly replicate it is painful.
  
• Country - no explanation necessary. I have no specific examples of country songs because I, luckily, didn't recognize any that were sung last night.
  

Appropriate Karaoke Songs:

• The Animals - House of the Rising Sun - This may be the only appropriate song that was actually heard last night.
• The entire Queen collection - Unfortunately, no one sang Queen last night...and our names weren't called to do Bohemian Rhapsody before we left, so we couldn't show the crowd what was up.
• Journey - Don't Stop Believin' - Obviously.
• One hit wonders of years past - Obviously.
  

Borderline Songs:

• The Rolling Stones - Sympathy for the Devil - This song is really awesome, but it's also really long. If you're going to be on stage for 6 1/2 minutes, at least be willing to PERFORM. Please don't just mumble through the words; make Mick proud!
  

I usually try not to be such an elitist, but sometimes I just can't help but judge people by their drunken musical choices. Karaoke should be fun, not only for the singers, but for the audience as well. I hate (well really I don't mind) to break it to you, but Tracy Chapman and Jewel are NOT FUN.

One good thing did come out of our experience last night: Michelle and I decided that our scale of drunkness can no longer be as simple as 1 to 10. It now ranges from 1 to Don't Stop Believin', with more specific increments coming soon. Because you can only be sure that you're wasted with a microphone in hand and Steve Perry in your heart.